White Houses

There are some songs that we love, for the sake of love. There are some songs that we love because the story they tell, and those which we love for each line.

For me Whites Houses, is like a stream of memories, at light sped, each with its own pang and its own story.

The first five beats
726 is banging out the notes.

"Five beats to start, 565, you're counting wrong."

He taps me when its time to go. Sometimes i get lost, just watching him play, feeling every note. Here, he has no doubt, no worries, he is the master. I'm trying to remember to breathe, to add phasing and he waits for me patiently. We bicker about phrasing, about slides, but I am the singer, I win. (well mostly, I win). In the end, we have a million takes, the sun has gone down and the hours have flown by. Here in our sanctuary, I do not miss them. Here we are safe, from the world and its endless to-do list, from our relationships. Here we are even safe from each other. Here we are the perfect pair, and we can't find the reasons to deny or complicate it.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
Arriving at Glisson, I'm nervous. I've never been camping or evenstayed in a cabin. No summer camp. Not even big groups of girls, but i pick bed and make my top bunk home for the weekend. I remember the fresh pine wood, and concern for splinters; sleeping fully clothed because it was so cold. Seeking the face of God in dark night, and praying that the girls that surround me would be sisters in Christ.

This little bungalo with some strange new friends
Stayed up to late and I'm too thin
The girls and I huddle at sleepovers, we're headed to middle school, then highschool. Surely we can stay friends forever

We're spinning empty bottles its the five of us
The pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day, No I can't resist the day
Sleepovers at Lew's house. Phone calls to our parents about how we are just watching movies, leaving out that the boys are coming over to spend the night too. We cover the bonus room with pillows and blankets. Everyone in there own pallet with the boy-du- jour. Liz is making out with Camren, Lew's little brother is trying to bum cigarette's off someone. Everyone knows i'll end up with 726 before the dawn, but the tension is high. Lew groans at the though of another round of pain and tears. But here we ago again, was there a movie or just loud music, lets curl up on in blankets and watch the dawn.

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Simple pangs of jealousy: Lew for her party skills, Shannon for being everything i'm not. Lbu for always laughing, staying in control and keeping them wrapped around her finger.

The summer's all in bloom
The summer's is ending soon
It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets
In White Houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt

I sneak into his cars cracked leather seats
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
The feel of leather seats, sticking to my bare skin. The heat of the car, with the air conditioning off, as we work to devour each other in the back of that tiny car. The bright glare of sunshine that can only come in the middle of the afternoon in the South. The sight of broken construction tools and cars, that we are hidden between, hoping with logic that only the young and lustful can achieve that surely no one will find us here at our spot; along the back hidden country roads. I cry out, and fear not the pitch and strength of my voice; there are no parents to find us here. Gasping for air between cumming, is the sent of stale coffee, cigarettes, leather, sweat, and the thick slide of heat down our throats in the summer day.

Boy we're going way to fast
It's all to sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
The perceivable feeling of falling, Of letting go. Of choosing not to worry. Will. Joyfully falling

But I hold onto your secrets
In White houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades
In White houses

My...First...Time
Hard to explain
College lover and I as we sit on the edge of the bed. Swimming in blue, Tuesday afternoon. The moment, really the moment. Excitement.

Rush of Blood oh A little bit of pain
726's basement. I lie with a pile of pillows behind me, on that old whit couch. I cry out. Broken, blood, tears. He comes to hold me, chase away the demons."It's ok, its ok. Did i hurt you?" I shake my head willing myslef not to hurt. Tears steam across my face. "Shh, shh its ok," and he holds me until it is ok.

On a cloudy day
It's more common then you think
Back to the memory of College lover. The happiness, the randomness, going to see 726 and his gf for dinner, grinning from ear to ear, because of the reasons we are late.

He's...My...First...Mistake
When was loving a mistake?

Maybe you were all faster in me
we gave each other give up so easily
The silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
Coming from college, and knowing that "the girls" are broken. Knowing how we grew apart, it wasn't the distance, it was the lifestlye and the love. We chose to let the love go. I don't think it will mend.

So I go and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading
In white houses

I lie, put my injuries all in a dust
In my heart just the five of us in white houses
And..maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep in

White houses
In white houses
In white houses

Live high

Today was Tedious.

All day i couldn't help but feel annoyed, grumpy and wholly uninterested in work. Sigh. I hope I learn to control that.

Last night,one the other hand was glorious. I was happy after writing posts and readings M's musings on life as Dorthy trying to make her very own oz.

I trod off in to the burning cold and snow to dance which was, as it frequently is, an instant burst of contentment. I don't know if it is because it is social, or if it is because it doesn't matter, in the sense that no one cares how good or not good i am, or if it is just because it is as close as i can get to my skating days, but it makes me joyfully, wonderfully, happy.

I practically skip home, singing out loud to with my ipod on the abandoned New York streets. I decide do a little leg work before I shower singing along to Jason Mraz

Live High, Live Mighty

Live Righteously, takin' it easily

Then i curl up with my laptop and read a chapter of Midnight Sun, for the umpteenth millionth time until i decide i should sleep before tomorrow. Today I am tired but i'm selfish too and i cherish the hours when i return, however late and feel that the pressures of adulthood simple do not exist.

Well I'm already off the Wagon

Photo credit: Max Z

Life has a funny way of making you prove things.

I wanted for Lent to write everyday. As a matter of focus, a matter of making time for me. Last week wasn't having any of that. I worked late everyday, and each day was filled with not only stress of projects undone, but the growing intensities of corporate grown up life. By Friday night, i could not even be tempted by food, i only wanted to go home sit in the silence and read. Eventually i ate some yogurt, happy in my living room like it was the finest of restaurants.

If I didn't know i had a work/life balance problem, it's only becoming more clear. The problem is, How do i make it better? To be sure, i don't know and i only hope that is a product that comes with patience, time, and prayer.

As is, i am apparently quite loopy and unpredictable. As if something in me has snapped and all i have left is wacky, sarcastic and creative. I rather like it, but my co-workers seem to think i'm on crack or that i've cracked up. Honestly i'm not sure they are wrong, but i don't think i mind either. I recognize that mind is seeping some, but it makes me feel so much better to dream a little and take time apart to draw comics and make delivsh remarks of my superiors.

I've also been rereading Twilight. I never used to reread things, ever. Once i knew what was going on I simply didn't care anymore. But with twilight, its not that i know what going to happen - becuase in a certain sense you always knew what would happen, but rather that i like feeling with them. For most of my life, i have been in a relationship. Now that i'm not, and haven't been for nearly a year and half, i've found i miss that part of me. Not all of it, becuase in some many ways i'm not really ready for it all agian. But i miss being in love. i miss wanting to deperatly to kiss someone, to stroke their checks, to come up behind them and wrap me arms around their neck. When i read, its like i have some of that. It reminds me and gives me faith (although i know this is a silly fear) that i am still me, a lover, a sentimentalist even though i'm with myself. Secretly I'm terrified that when it is time to date agian, that i will have forgotten how to love, how to make love, how to be coy and cute. I have no fears that i can be patinet and trustworthy, that i can be solid and resound, but i do fear that i will not know how to be vulnerable and weak, not to how to cry and allow myself to be held.

For those of you who know me, these seem like such silly fears, they are so very unlike how I have always been. But when we grow up- when we intentionaly grow, Do we grow away from who we have always been. In part that is our hope, becuase undoubtly we did things that did things that were childish and foolish, but do we also lose our ability to love like a child; have faith like a child?

Loving the Flare taught me that i could love like i had with 726, but i still got burned. Faith is difficult in the fire, even though we have been told that God purifies in the fire, that he forges us. Its still scarey.

Take My Life, and form it
Take my mind, Transform it
Take my will, conform it
To yours, yours, Oh lord.*


*While I've nevder wholey subscribed, and still don't, to the full meaning of this song. I can't help but admire the faith. Life is something we form, we make and when we do, we have to potential to be anything we are brave enough to become.

So Take this Life and Transform It

The Eve of Lent

For me Lent is season of renewal. Honestly it is my favorite season in the church. I know this seem like an odd choice, why not the Pentecostal season, where we talk about the miracles of the spirit or Christmas which is bound by joy for the birth of a savior? The truth is i don't really know. Those season are great and important, but they have never reached me like Lent.

Lent is time of temptation. It is a time when we look into to our hearts and boldly ask:"What is seperating me from God?", "What seperates me from joy?", "What is holding me back from being who I was destined to be." These are hard questions and I like anyone one with real sin, get nervous about trying to answer them. Lent teaches us that the answers aren't supposed to come all at once, faith is not a simple transformation. It is days in the desert, it is lonely, and requires all of you. Faith is abour perseverance, it is about beliving that you are on a path, that you are doing things doings that were meant to be.

Every year that i celebrate lent, i choose to not to merely give up a temptation (although that does work for some peopple), but to give up the pretense that i have it together. I try to open up to the word, to the path, and listen for the answers that scare me. What are you calling me to do?

Here I am Lord, it is I Lord, I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

This is my prayer for to move away what is holding me back to go where i am called and to learn to be who i am.

This Lent I going to try act this faith through this blog. I hope you'll join me.