White Houses

There are some songs that we love, for the sake of love. There are some songs that we love because the story they tell, and those which we love for each line.

For me Whites Houses, is like a stream of memories, at light sped, each with its own pang and its own story.

The first five beats
726 is banging out the notes.

"Five beats to start, 565, you're counting wrong."

He taps me when its time to go. Sometimes i get lost, just watching him play, feeling every note. Here, he has no doubt, no worries, he is the master. I'm trying to remember to breathe, to add phasing and he waits for me patiently. We bicker about phrasing, about slides, but I am the singer, I win. (well mostly, I win). In the end, we have a million takes, the sun has gone down and the hours have flown by. Here in our sanctuary, I do not miss them. Here we are safe, from the world and its endless to-do list, from our relationships. Here we are even safe from each other. Here we are the perfect pair, and we can't find the reasons to deny or complicate it.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
Arriving at Glisson, I'm nervous. I've never been camping or evenstayed in a cabin. No summer camp. Not even big groups of girls, but i pick bed and make my top bunk home for the weekend. I remember the fresh pine wood, and concern for splinters; sleeping fully clothed because it was so cold. Seeking the face of God in dark night, and praying that the girls that surround me would be sisters in Christ.

This little bungalo with some strange new friends
Stayed up to late and I'm too thin
The girls and I huddle at sleepovers, we're headed to middle school, then highschool. Surely we can stay friends forever

We're spinning empty bottles its the five of us
The pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day, No I can't resist the day
Sleepovers at Lew's house. Phone calls to our parents about how we are just watching movies, leaving out that the boys are coming over to spend the night too. We cover the bonus room with pillows and blankets. Everyone in there own pallet with the boy-du- jour. Liz is making out with Camren, Lew's little brother is trying to bum cigarette's off someone. Everyone knows i'll end up with 726 before the dawn, but the tension is high. Lew groans at the though of another round of pain and tears. But here we ago again, was there a movie or just loud music, lets curl up on in blankets and watch the dawn.

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Simple pangs of jealousy: Lew for her party skills, Shannon for being everything i'm not. Lbu for always laughing, staying in control and keeping them wrapped around her finger.

The summer's all in bloom
The summer's is ending soon
It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets
In White Houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt

I sneak into his cars cracked leather seats
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
The feel of leather seats, sticking to my bare skin. The heat of the car, with the air conditioning off, as we work to devour each other in the back of that tiny car. The bright glare of sunshine that can only come in the middle of the afternoon in the South. The sight of broken construction tools and cars, that we are hidden between, hoping with logic that only the young and lustful can achieve that surely no one will find us here at our spot; along the back hidden country roads. I cry out, and fear not the pitch and strength of my voice; there are no parents to find us here. Gasping for air between cumming, is the sent of stale coffee, cigarettes, leather, sweat, and the thick slide of heat down our throats in the summer day.

Boy we're going way to fast
It's all to sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
The perceivable feeling of falling, Of letting go. Of choosing not to worry. Will. Joyfully falling

But I hold onto your secrets
In White houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades
In White houses

My...First...Time
Hard to explain
College lover and I as we sit on the edge of the bed. Swimming in blue, Tuesday afternoon. The moment, really the moment. Excitement.

Rush of Blood oh A little bit of pain
726's basement. I lie with a pile of pillows behind me, on that old whit couch. I cry out. Broken, blood, tears. He comes to hold me, chase away the demons."It's ok, its ok. Did i hurt you?" I shake my head willing myslef not to hurt. Tears steam across my face. "Shh, shh its ok," and he holds me until it is ok.

On a cloudy day
It's more common then you think
Back to the memory of College lover. The happiness, the randomness, going to see 726 and his gf for dinner, grinning from ear to ear, because of the reasons we are late.

He's...My...First...Mistake
When was loving a mistake?

Maybe you were all faster in me
we gave each other give up so easily
The silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
Coming from college, and knowing that "the girls" are broken. Knowing how we grew apart, it wasn't the distance, it was the lifestlye and the love. We chose to let the love go. I don't think it will mend.

So I go and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading
In white houses

I lie, put my injuries all in a dust
In my heart just the five of us in white houses
And..maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep in

White houses
In white houses
In white houses

Biten and Bleeding

Last week I discovered True Blood on my HBO on Demand. Within three days, I devoured season one. Despite its often gruesome explicitness or maybe because of it, I felt deeply connected to it, addicted to it. There were so many themes, I understood. Most left me feeling raw. Death, sexual boundaries, the unexplained walking out of people. None of these connections are pleasing, all are immensely complicated and personal. While I would not ask to go through this (like people who sign up to watch Schindler's List on a Saturday afternoon) it is healing in its assault.

There were some demons I communed with, threw salt on and put back in the box, but others, others are out and about...

I bought the first book in the series (note the obsessiveness) and I lay in bed reading last night until midnight. I admit I was skipping ahead to all the good parts (after all I know what happens).

There was this portion where the central lovers are getting together for the first time. It's hot an steamy. It's romantic in its dark and twisty way.

They are all hot and heavy when the man stops and he looks at her. He's realized she is a virgin, that she is vulnerable and breakable.
So he stops.

Pauses.


Waits


to make sure she will be ok. And when he stops, he says one word:

"Darling"

I burst into tears.

I was reading, I was happy, I was fine. But here are the sobs and tears and I don't really know why.

"Darling"

The author noted that it is an old fashioned word. I think to myself of the last time I said it, because its a word that i use. I used it last with college lover, slipping up as he told me about his dog dieing. So intimately I had used it. "Darling" as if it was secret code for "I love you, my heart breaks with you. I want to heal you."

I flash forward to a time when I needed to be healed. Having a panic attack, Will holding me. I was naked in every way possible, stripped to core, cowering on the corner of his bed in a ball. He pulled me close to me, held me, rocked me, "its going to be ok, its going to be alright, we'll get through this" he said until I was calm again.

And there, I think, it is. I have no one to love and no one to love me. I feel empty in way I can't fully explain. It is not that I'm unhappy in my life now or that in my almost two years of singleness I haven't grown or learned to love myself. I don't need a man.

But frighteningly, I think I do.

I need to love, Deeply, passionately. I need to be loved to know someone is there to hold me, to sleep by me. Although, I am fine without it, I can live my life just fine. I'm not sure that fine is full. Even more scary is the thought that I'm not sure I'm really me.

I mean, I am the girl who feel in love at 13, at 18 and again at 21. I have more "in serious relationship" time than some people having marriages.

My biggest fear is that God has already given Love to me, and I can't have it again. If I don't believe that then I am simply impatiently waiting to find someone (A move which guarantees I won't find someone, by wives tale logic). I hate that wanting a relationship is seen as a weakness. I hate admitting that I am weak.

But let's take a reality check, who else is bursting out into tears from a vampire book?

Official

It is official now, college-lover will not be attending my Ga. birthday event.

I had been silently preparing myself for that. That his girl-friend would oppose, that he would make other plans so not to attend to please her. I didn't want to be right. I wanted to be proven wrong. I wasn't though. When i told him of the event he said he wanted to come and would probably be there. Then he paused asked the ever-present-girlfriend a question and said that he would not be able come it was her little brother graduation. He has to go meet the family, all the grandparents would be there ...

To be honest i stopped listening. Eventually I cut him off. "You don't have to defend yourself to me, perhaps i will see you at Christmas" I said. Trying to sound nonchalant, even handed, like it wasn't a big deal.

He explained agian about how he wanted to come, about how maybe he could see me before.. 'when was i flying in again?". But all those plans were difficult and unlikely. We wont be anywhere near the same places at the same times.

He circled back to Christmas. They'll be time then. It was bitterness when i said I hope so, but then you'll have you family to spend time with and you'll want to speand half of Christmas with her family. I'm rethinking old arguements. I'm remembering how hard it was to make plans at Christmas when we were together and when we had a month between school semesters.

He hasn't thought of this yet.

I shouldn't be so harsh, we are all busy and my birthday in all its early June glory has always competed with graduation and first summer vacations.

And honestly, He doesn'e owe anything to me. He has a life with out me, and a new lover. What am i but a complicated person who is always to much work defend or too much memory to be around?

I have lived my wholelife this way, always striving, always working to befreind them. To not lose them. But they are lost either way aren't they?

Letters from by the phone

College Lover,

I promised myself I'd stop waiting by the phone for you. But it was a promise I knew I couldn't keep. Every time i log in, every time i hear it ring, every new e-mail, I'm hoping its you. I'm hoping to have you back. I'm hoping to not have to face life with out you in it. I hoping that soon, when I see that funny thing that makes me think of you, I can send it without guilt.

It's false hope. And, truth be told, I'm fine without you. Totally ok.

It's just the pictures of you on facebook, it's just the little things i run in to that make me think of you. Those are the things that kill me.

I hope you doing well. I hope you grow up and come to your senses.

Love always,

565

Getting what you need

I love the little things that happen that let you know, not only that people know you but also that they care enough to act in a way they know will make you happy.

The Back Ground
I've been struggling over a recent radio-silence between myself and my college lover. I'm trying to build boundaries, fortify my self esteem and not put myself in places that I am not appreciated. Its not a natural thing for me, but I know it will be healthier, if i can ever pull it off.

The Moment
My friend, who is still in my college town, gives me periodic updates on gossip in our town, the people, and all the organizations. He keeps me in on all the stupid things people are doing, and its awesome, but he doesn't track college lover for me. Its a matter of principle (although I'm not sure who's exactly). I try not to ask and he rarely mentions it. The other day I had to admit that there was radio silence between college lover and myself. Not out a deep sharing experience, but rather the fact that there was some very obvious gossip i should have already known, and my lack of knowledge was a glaring tell.

Last night was opening night for college lover and despite my pride, or the radio silence I sent a short *good luck* e-mail. I couldn't help it, really. I was thinking of him, caring for him and how he was doing, and so i simply couldn't keep quiet. I believe people always need to know that your proud of them that you hope they do well, even when your mad at them.

The radio silence has continued though and today i felt like bulimic in front of cupcake store, i just want to gorge on it information- even though I might want to give it all back later.

Enter my friend. We chit chat and shoot the shit, and then without me really having to ask, he just volunteers the information. College lover is fine, the show went well, his compatriots think highly of him. *sigh* Suddenly I feel like all is a little more right in the world, everything is fine- better than fine-its good.

What I love most, it that my friend knew i needed to hear it and despite our agreements and principles he gave it to me. The wash of relief that followed in grows exponentially in my thankfulness for people who know what you need, and when you need to hear it.

I'm still planning on continuing radio silence. I'm stilling planning on letting go, on not caring, on killing the urge to care, but i fully admit that sometimes you just have to give people what they need.

Today i got that and i hope tomorrow i can help give it to someone else