Letters from by the phone

College Lover,

I promised myself I'd stop waiting by the phone for you. But it was a promise I knew I couldn't keep. Every time i log in, every time i hear it ring, every new e-mail, I'm hoping its you. I'm hoping to have you back. I'm hoping to not have to face life with out you in it. I hoping that soon, when I see that funny thing that makes me think of you, I can send it without guilt.

It's false hope. And, truth be told, I'm fine without you. Totally ok.

It's just the pictures of you on facebook, it's just the little things i run in to that make me think of you. Those are the things that kill me.

I hope you doing well. I hope you grow up and come to your senses.

Love always,

565

Getting what you need

I love the little things that happen that let you know, not only that people know you but also that they care enough to act in a way they know will make you happy.

The Back Ground
I've been struggling over a recent radio-silence between myself and my college lover. I'm trying to build boundaries, fortify my self esteem and not put myself in places that I am not appreciated. Its not a natural thing for me, but I know it will be healthier, if i can ever pull it off.

The Moment
My friend, who is still in my college town, gives me periodic updates on gossip in our town, the people, and all the organizations. He keeps me in on all the stupid things people are doing, and its awesome, but he doesn't track college lover for me. Its a matter of principle (although I'm not sure who's exactly). I try not to ask and he rarely mentions it. The other day I had to admit that there was radio silence between college lover and myself. Not out a deep sharing experience, but rather the fact that there was some very obvious gossip i should have already known, and my lack of knowledge was a glaring tell.

Last night was opening night for college lover and despite my pride, or the radio silence I sent a short *good luck* e-mail. I couldn't help it, really. I was thinking of him, caring for him and how he was doing, and so i simply couldn't keep quiet. I believe people always need to know that your proud of them that you hope they do well, even when your mad at them.

The radio silence has continued though and today i felt like bulimic in front of cupcake store, i just want to gorge on it information- even though I might want to give it all back later.

Enter my friend. We chit chat and shoot the shit, and then without me really having to ask, he just volunteers the information. College lover is fine, the show went well, his compatriots think highly of him. *sigh* Suddenly I feel like all is a little more right in the world, everything is fine- better than fine-its good.

What I love most, it that my friend knew i needed to hear it and despite our agreements and principles he gave it to me. The wash of relief that followed in grows exponentially in my thankfulness for people who know what you need, and when you need to hear it.

I'm still planning on continuing radio silence. I'm stilling planning on letting go, on not caring, on killing the urge to care, but i fully admit that sometimes you just have to give people what they need.

Today i got that and i hope tomorrow i can help give it to someone else

Baci moments

Baci are these little Italian chocolate kiss kind of candies and they come with little sayings:

The night is silent, and in its silence, dreams are hidden
K. Gibran

A kiss strikes like lightning; love passes like a storm
Proverbio arabo

Learning not to love others leads to not loving oneself any longer
(anonimo)

Finding balance

Love first manage later

I said today in a conversation with someone whom I was trying to reassess time allocation with. All relationships are about time management, no matter how much you care or don't care - you have to strike a balance so that you can spend time with the other people in your in life and also with yourself. More and more (or at least since my big move) I needed this time alone, to write and think to just be without people, without needing to respond anyone. Now that I'm getting settled, I'm trying to draw in these lines make them work and define what makes me happy and whole. This is a far cry from previous versions of myself(565 1.0) who lived completely for others and with others.

Once upon a time I looked only to one person for all of sustenance all of my joy, and it's not that he didn't provide it, but when it was gone - it was all gone. There was nothing left, no one and no thing to rely on. I always knew how much I had lost in terms of friendships, in terms of innocence, but never until recently did I realize how much of myself I lost. (on a side note Pandora just started playing Gravity- which in ever right is the song for 726)

So now I build and I draw lines. I start with me and I'm learning not to feel guilty for it.

Photo credit: mcdnry

Funny little things

Once upon a time I was obsessed with numbers. It came about of course because he, the ultimate he in my case, was obsessed with numbers. Baseball jerseys, signatures, times on the clock. After a certain amount of time who can't be excited about an extra kiss because its 7:26 p.m. It been a long time since then(almost 9 years) and I'm laughing at myself for thinking of him as I book appointments on 1/26, as I go to bed at 12:26 a.m. as I stop reading me book on 126th page. Some habits die hard. But I think it is fine, while in some way it is terribly sad, our fate and how separated we have become, deep down I know we're still connected, at that makes it ok.

In some small way a part of you,

726

Everything you want

I remember being 14. Standing in your room wanting to kiss you, worried about your mom. We turn on music, the classic charade of innocent activities. The album is Vertical Horizon. I stop, still hovering above you.

"I can't make out to Christian Music," I say.
"It's not," you reply and change the song to something other than Everything You Want.

Listening now to that song on Pandora, I can't help but laugh, at you, at us, and the reasoning of right and wrong.