Official

It is official now, college-lover will not be attending my Ga. birthday event.

I had been silently preparing myself for that. That his girl-friend would oppose, that he would make other plans so not to attend to please her. I didn't want to be right. I wanted to be proven wrong. I wasn't though. When i told him of the event he said he wanted to come and would probably be there. Then he paused asked the ever-present-girlfriend a question and said that he would not be able come it was her little brother graduation. He has to go meet the family, all the grandparents would be there ...

To be honest i stopped listening. Eventually I cut him off. "You don't have to defend yourself to me, perhaps i will see you at Christmas" I said. Trying to sound nonchalant, even handed, like it wasn't a big deal.

He explained agian about how he wanted to come, about how maybe he could see me before.. 'when was i flying in again?". But all those plans were difficult and unlikely. We wont be anywhere near the same places at the same times.

He circled back to Christmas. They'll be time then. It was bitterness when i said I hope so, but then you'll have you family to spend time with and you'll want to speand half of Christmas with her family. I'm rethinking old arguements. I'm remembering how hard it was to make plans at Christmas when we were together and when we had a month between school semesters.

He hasn't thought of this yet.

I shouldn't be so harsh, we are all busy and my birthday in all its early June glory has always competed with graduation and first summer vacations.

And honestly, He doesn'e owe anything to me. He has a life with out me, and a new lover. What am i but a complicated person who is always to much work defend or too much memory to be around?

I have lived my wholelife this way, always striving, always working to befreind them. To not lose them. But they are lost either way aren't they?