This should be a really long post, but in the interest of time. I'll sum up:
For two years, I've been on this spiritual(astrological) journey about home, family and foundation. This is the tail end and like all journeys there is a test. - more about the test later- more about all of this later -
But what the test has lead me to, i think, is this affirmation.
My foundation in myself, not in others.
Though i love, and want to love, those who i love are not the cure.
The boy is not the cure.
I should not expect him to be, for he could never heal the world or all of me. (which doesn't lessen is possible perfection for me)
But also I do not need him to be. I can cure myself, me with the help of the universe, and many people people in it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
White Houses
There are some songs that we love, for the sake of love. There are some songs that we love because the story they tell, and those which we love for each line.
For me Whites Houses, is like a stream of memories, at light sped, each with its own pang and its own story.
The first five beats
726 is banging out the notes.
"Five beats to start, 565, you're counting wrong."
He taps me when its time to go. Sometimes i get lost, just watching him play, feeling every note. Here, he has no doubt, no worries, he is the master. I'm trying to remember to breathe, to add phasing and he waits for me patiently. We bicker about phrasing, about slides, but I am the singer, I win. (well mostly, I win). In the end, we have a million takes, the sun has gone down and the hours have flown by. Here in our sanctuary, I do not miss them. Here we are safe, from the world and its endless to-do list, from our relationships. Here we are even safe from each other. Here we are the perfect pair, and we can't find the reasons to deny or complicate it.
Crashed on the floor when I moved in
Arriving at Glisson, I'm nervous. I've never been camping or evenstayed in a cabin. No summer camp. Not even big groups of girls, but i pick bed and make my top bunk home for the weekend. I remember the fresh pine wood, and concern for splinters; sleeping fully clothed because it was so cold. Seeking the face of God in dark night, and praying that the girls that surround me would be sisters in Christ.
This little bungalo with some strange new friends
Stayed up to late and I'm too thin
The girls and I huddle at sleepovers, we're headed to middle school, then highschool. Surely we can stay friends forever
We're spinning empty bottles its the five of us
The pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day, No I can't resist the day
Sleepovers at Lew's house. Phone calls to our parents about how we are just watching movies, leaving out that the boys are coming over to spend the night too. We cover the bonus room with pillows and blankets. Everyone in there own pallet with the boy-du- jour. Liz is making out with Camren, Lew's little brother is trying to bum cigarette's off someone. Everyone knows i'll end up with 726 before the dawn, but the tension is high. Lew groans at the though of another round of pain and tears. But here we ago again, was there a movie or just loud music, lets curl up on in blankets and watch the dawn.
Jenny screams out and it's no pose
Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Simple pangs of jealousy: Lew for her party skills, Shannon for being everything i'm not. Lbu for always laughing, staying in control and keeping them wrapped around her finger.
The summer's all in bloom
The summer's is ending soon
It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets
In White Houses
Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his cars cracked leather seats
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
The feel of leather seats, sticking to my bare skin. The heat of the car, with the air conditioning off, as we work to devour each other in the back of that tiny car. The bright glare of sunshine that can only come in the middle of the afternoon in the South. The sight of broken construction tools and cars, that we are hidden between, hoping with logic that only the young and lustful can achieve that surely no one will find us here at our spot; along the back hidden country roads. I cry out, and fear not the pitch and strength of my voice; there are no parents to find us here. Gasping for air between cumming, is the sent of stale coffee, cigarettes, leather, sweat, and the thick slide of heat down our throats in the summer day.
Boy we're going way to fast
It's all to sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
The perceivable feeling of falling, Of letting go. Of choosing not to worry. Will. Joyfully falling
But I hold onto your secrets
In White houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades
In White houses
My...First...Time
Hard to explain
College lover and I as we sit on the edge of the bed. Swimming in blue, Tuesday afternoon. The moment, really the moment. Excitement.
Rush of Blood oh A little bit of pain
726's basement. I lie with a pile of pillows behind me, on that old whit couch. I cry out. Broken, blood, tears. He comes to hold me, chase away the demons."It's ok, its ok. Did i hurt you?" I shake my head willing myslef not to hurt. Tears steam across my face. "Shh, shh its ok," and he holds me until it is ok.
On a cloudy day
It's more common then you think
Back to the memory of College lover. The happiness, the randomness, going to see 726 and his gf for dinner, grinning from ear to ear, because of the reasons we are late.
He's...My...First...Mistake
When was loving a mistake?
Maybe you were all faster in me
we gave each other give up so easily
The silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
Coming from college, and knowing that "the girls" are broken. Knowing how we grew apart, it wasn't the distance, it was the lifestlye and the love. We chose to let the love go. I don't think it will mend.
So I go and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading
In white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in a dust
In my heart just the five of us in white houses
And..maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep in
White houses
In white houses
In white houses
For me Whites Houses, is like a stream of memories, at light sped, each with its own pang and its own story.
The first five beats
726 is banging out the notes.
"Five beats to start, 565, you're counting wrong."
He taps me when its time to go. Sometimes i get lost, just watching him play, feeling every note. Here, he has no doubt, no worries, he is the master. I'm trying to remember to breathe, to add phasing and he waits for me patiently. We bicker about phrasing, about slides, but I am the singer, I win. (well mostly, I win). In the end, we have a million takes, the sun has gone down and the hours have flown by. Here in our sanctuary, I do not miss them. Here we are safe, from the world and its endless to-do list, from our relationships. Here we are even safe from each other. Here we are the perfect pair, and we can't find the reasons to deny or complicate it.
Crashed on the floor when I moved in
Arriving at Glisson, I'm nervous. I've never been camping or evenstayed in a cabin. No summer camp. Not even big groups of girls, but i pick bed and make my top bunk home for the weekend. I remember the fresh pine wood, and concern for splinters; sleeping fully clothed because it was so cold. Seeking the face of God in dark night, and praying that the girls that surround me would be sisters in Christ.
This little bungalo with some strange new friends
Stayed up to late and I'm too thin
The girls and I huddle at sleepovers, we're headed to middle school, then highschool. Surely we can stay friends forever
We're spinning empty bottles its the five of us
The pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day, No I can't resist the day
Sleepovers at Lew's house. Phone calls to our parents about how we are just watching movies, leaving out that the boys are coming over to spend the night too. We cover the bonus room with pillows and blankets. Everyone in there own pallet with the boy-du- jour. Liz is making out with Camren, Lew's little brother is trying to bum cigarette's off someone. Everyone knows i'll end up with 726 before the dawn, but the tension is high. Lew groans at the though of another round of pain and tears. But here we ago again, was there a movie or just loud music, lets curl up on in blankets and watch the dawn.
Jenny screams out and it's no pose
Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Simple pangs of jealousy: Lew for her party skills, Shannon for being everything i'm not. Lbu for always laughing, staying in control and keeping them wrapped around her finger.
The summer's all in bloom
The summer's is ending soon
It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets
In White Houses
Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his cars cracked leather seats
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
The feel of leather seats, sticking to my bare skin. The heat of the car, with the air conditioning off, as we work to devour each other in the back of that tiny car. The bright glare of sunshine that can only come in the middle of the afternoon in the South. The sight of broken construction tools and cars, that we are hidden between, hoping with logic that only the young and lustful can achieve that surely no one will find us here at our spot; along the back hidden country roads. I cry out, and fear not the pitch and strength of my voice; there are no parents to find us here. Gasping for air between cumming, is the sent of stale coffee, cigarettes, leather, sweat, and the thick slide of heat down our throats in the summer day.
Boy we're going way to fast
It's all to sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
The perceivable feeling of falling, Of letting go. Of choosing not to worry. Will. Joyfully falling
But I hold onto your secrets
In White houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades
In White houses
My...First...Time
Hard to explain
College lover and I as we sit on the edge of the bed. Swimming in blue, Tuesday afternoon. The moment, really the moment. Excitement.
Rush of Blood oh A little bit of pain
726's basement. I lie with a pile of pillows behind me, on that old whit couch. I cry out. Broken, blood, tears. He comes to hold me, chase away the demons."It's ok, its ok. Did i hurt you?" I shake my head willing myslef not to hurt. Tears steam across my face. "Shh, shh its ok," and he holds me until it is ok.
On a cloudy day
It's more common then you think
Back to the memory of College lover. The happiness, the randomness, going to see 726 and his gf for dinner, grinning from ear to ear, because of the reasons we are late.
He's...My...First...Mistake
When was loving a mistake?
Maybe you were all faster in me
we gave each other give up so easily
The silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
Coming from college, and knowing that "the girls" are broken. Knowing how we grew apart, it wasn't the distance, it was the lifestlye and the love. We chose to let the love go. I don't think it will mend.
So I go and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading
In white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in a dust
In my heart just the five of us in white houses
And..maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep in
White houses
In white houses
In white houses
The Winter is Awesome Game
Winter started in NYC today, at least for me, the Georgian. It is 44 and raining and that is close enough for me.
So, I have tasked, Clos du bois (yes this is a new person reference) with listing the reasons why winter is good - since he, being a northern, has a love for it. The trick is that he has to convince me of the reason for it to make the list, which should be fun. Hopefully this will be a series, but we'll see - after all i have such a commitment to writing.
#1 : Spring feels like the best thing ever when it finally gets here - Oct. 15
So, I have tasked, Clos du bois (yes this is a new person reference) with listing the reasons why winter is good - since he, being a northern, has a love for it. The trick is that he has to convince me of the reason for it to make the list, which should be fun. Hopefully this will be a series, but we'll see - after all i have such a commitment to writing.
#1 : Spring feels like the best thing ever when it finally gets here - Oct. 15
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