Good to Remember

"People are who they are. They don't change just 'cause you want 'em to." -Fiona Glen-Anne (Burn Notice)

Cold sheets

It's cold in my room from the window you left open. To give us air in the heat of our nights. A chill falls along my open skin so I pull the covers but wish that I could lean into the warm sanctuary of your chest. The small joy of your hands along my sides as we sleep. The simple comfort to kiss your skin. Oh, lover, I await you and count that days, the hours, the moments until you return to my bed. Please hurry, the sheets grow cold and the heart grows longing.

Affirmation

This should be a really long post, but in the interest of time. I'll sum up:

For two years, I've been on this spiritual(astrological) journey about home, family and foundation. This is the tail end and like all journeys there is a test. - more about the test later- more about all of this later -

But what the test has lead me to, i think, is this affirmation.

My foundation in myself, not in others.

Though i love, and want to love, those who i love are not the cure.

The boy is not the cure.

I should not expect him to be, for he could never heal the world or all of me. (which doesn't lessen is possible perfection for me)

But also I do not need him to be. I can cure myself, me with the help of the universe, and many people people in it.

White Houses

There are some songs that we love, for the sake of love. There are some songs that we love because the story they tell, and those which we love for each line.

For me Whites Houses, is like a stream of memories, at light sped, each with its own pang and its own story.

The first five beats
726 is banging out the notes.

"Five beats to start, 565, you're counting wrong."

He taps me when its time to go. Sometimes i get lost, just watching him play, feeling every note. Here, he has no doubt, no worries, he is the master. I'm trying to remember to breathe, to add phasing and he waits for me patiently. We bicker about phrasing, about slides, but I am the singer, I win. (well mostly, I win). In the end, we have a million takes, the sun has gone down and the hours have flown by. Here in our sanctuary, I do not miss them. Here we are safe, from the world and its endless to-do list, from our relationships. Here we are even safe from each other. Here we are the perfect pair, and we can't find the reasons to deny or complicate it.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
Arriving at Glisson, I'm nervous. I've never been camping or evenstayed in a cabin. No summer camp. Not even big groups of girls, but i pick bed and make my top bunk home for the weekend. I remember the fresh pine wood, and concern for splinters; sleeping fully clothed because it was so cold. Seeking the face of God in dark night, and praying that the girls that surround me would be sisters in Christ.

This little bungalo with some strange new friends
Stayed up to late and I'm too thin
The girls and I huddle at sleepovers, we're headed to middle school, then highschool. Surely we can stay friends forever

We're spinning empty bottles its the five of us
The pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day, No I can't resist the day
Sleepovers at Lew's house. Phone calls to our parents about how we are just watching movies, leaving out that the boys are coming over to spend the night too. We cover the bonus room with pillows and blankets. Everyone in there own pallet with the boy-du- jour. Liz is making out with Camren, Lew's little brother is trying to bum cigarette's off someone. Everyone knows i'll end up with 726 before the dawn, but the tension is high. Lew groans at the though of another round of pain and tears. But here we ago again, was there a movie or just loud music, lets curl up on in blankets and watch the dawn.

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Simple pangs of jealousy: Lew for her party skills, Shannon for being everything i'm not. Lbu for always laughing, staying in control and keeping them wrapped around her finger.

The summer's all in bloom
The summer's is ending soon
It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets
In White Houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt

I sneak into his cars cracked leather seats
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
The feel of leather seats, sticking to my bare skin. The heat of the car, with the air conditioning off, as we work to devour each other in the back of that tiny car. The bright glare of sunshine that can only come in the middle of the afternoon in the South. The sight of broken construction tools and cars, that we are hidden between, hoping with logic that only the young and lustful can achieve that surely no one will find us here at our spot; along the back hidden country roads. I cry out, and fear not the pitch and strength of my voice; there are no parents to find us here. Gasping for air between cumming, is the sent of stale coffee, cigarettes, leather, sweat, and the thick slide of heat down our throats in the summer day.

Boy we're going way to fast
It's all to sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
The perceivable feeling of falling, Of letting go. Of choosing not to worry. Will. Joyfully falling

But I hold onto your secrets
In White houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades
In White houses

My...First...Time
Hard to explain
College lover and I as we sit on the edge of the bed. Swimming in blue, Tuesday afternoon. The moment, really the moment. Excitement.

Rush of Blood oh A little bit of pain
726's basement. I lie with a pile of pillows behind me, on that old whit couch. I cry out. Broken, blood, tears. He comes to hold me, chase away the demons."It's ok, its ok. Did i hurt you?" I shake my head willing myslef not to hurt. Tears steam across my face. "Shh, shh its ok," and he holds me until it is ok.

On a cloudy day
It's more common then you think
Back to the memory of College lover. The happiness, the randomness, going to see 726 and his gf for dinner, grinning from ear to ear, because of the reasons we are late.

He's...My...First...Mistake
When was loving a mistake?

Maybe you were all faster in me
we gave each other give up so easily
The silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
Coming from college, and knowing that "the girls" are broken. Knowing how we grew apart, it wasn't the distance, it was the lifestlye and the love. We chose to let the love go. I don't think it will mend.

So I go and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading
In white houses

I lie, put my injuries all in a dust
In my heart just the five of us in white houses
And..maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep in

White houses
In white houses
In white houses

The Winter is Awesome Game

Winter started in NYC today, at least for me, the Georgian. It is 44 and raining and that is close enough for me.

So, I have tasked, Clos du bois (yes this is a new person reference) with listing the reasons why winter is good - since he, being a northern, has a love for it. The trick is that he has to convince me of the reason for it to make the list, which should be fun. Hopefully this will be a series, but we'll see - after all i have such a commitment to writing.

#1 : Spring feels like the best thing ever when it finally gets here - Oct. 15

A top 10 reason why I love my job:

A 5:30 p.m. Conversation

Me: it should be nap time
or there should be a way I could read while (insert mindless work task here)
that would be great too

Boss: there is a way you can drink and (insert mindless work task here)
oh, wait, you hate beer*

Me: :(
i'm getting better at it
another year or so
i'll prolly be able to stand it

Boss: i think we should pony up and get some flasks

And who says the Mad Men era is dead

*readers note: we almost always have beer in the work refrigerator

Biten and Bleeding

Last week I discovered True Blood on my HBO on Demand. Within three days, I devoured season one. Despite its often gruesome explicitness or maybe because of it, I felt deeply connected to it, addicted to it. There were so many themes, I understood. Most left me feeling raw. Death, sexual boundaries, the unexplained walking out of people. None of these connections are pleasing, all are immensely complicated and personal. While I would not ask to go through this (like people who sign up to watch Schindler's List on a Saturday afternoon) it is healing in its assault.

There were some demons I communed with, threw salt on and put back in the box, but others, others are out and about...

I bought the first book in the series (note the obsessiveness) and I lay in bed reading last night until midnight. I admit I was skipping ahead to all the good parts (after all I know what happens).

There was this portion where the central lovers are getting together for the first time. It's hot an steamy. It's romantic in its dark and twisty way.

They are all hot and heavy when the man stops and he looks at her. He's realized she is a virgin, that she is vulnerable and breakable.
So he stops.

Pauses.


Waits


to make sure she will be ok. And when he stops, he says one word:

"Darling"

I burst into tears.

I was reading, I was happy, I was fine. But here are the sobs and tears and I don't really know why.

"Darling"

The author noted that it is an old fashioned word. I think to myself of the last time I said it, because its a word that i use. I used it last with college lover, slipping up as he told me about his dog dieing. So intimately I had used it. "Darling" as if it was secret code for "I love you, my heart breaks with you. I want to heal you."

I flash forward to a time when I needed to be healed. Having a panic attack, Will holding me. I was naked in every way possible, stripped to core, cowering on the corner of his bed in a ball. He pulled me close to me, held me, rocked me, "its going to be ok, its going to be alright, we'll get through this" he said until I was calm again.

And there, I think, it is. I have no one to love and no one to love me. I feel empty in way I can't fully explain. It is not that I'm unhappy in my life now or that in my almost two years of singleness I haven't grown or learned to love myself. I don't need a man.

But frighteningly, I think I do.

I need to love, Deeply, passionately. I need to be loved to know someone is there to hold me, to sleep by me. Although, I am fine without it, I can live my life just fine. I'm not sure that fine is full. Even more scary is the thought that I'm not sure I'm really me.

I mean, I am the girl who feel in love at 13, at 18 and again at 21. I have more "in serious relationship" time than some people having marriages.

My biggest fear is that God has already given Love to me, and I can't have it again. If I don't believe that then I am simply impatiently waiting to find someone (A move which guarantees I won't find someone, by wives tale logic). I hate that wanting a relationship is seen as a weakness. I hate admitting that I am weak.

But let's take a reality check, who else is bursting out into tears from a vampire book?